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“Write before you die.”

I’m lonely. I’m living in a new city with people that I don’t know very well who don’t eat vegetables. And I feel like I’m dying when I don’t eat vegetables. And I am not proactive about getting my own vegetables. And how many times can I use vegetables in a sentence.

I told this guy I know that I was so tired of auditions. And yes, it sucks to get your hopes up and all that, but really I’m just tired of preparing and getting wound-up, and then waiting. And he said, “But, Abby, this is why you are here.” And I wanted to say, “ I KNOW. I hate that about myself. I can’t breathe when I’m not pursuing this crazy art form, but I feel so heavy sometimes.” But all I said was, “Yeah. But I’m tired.” And that sums it up.

I am so tired. My back hurts worse than it ever has. My thighs have a sore, burning sensation, and I have no idea what it’s from. Walking? Lame, Abby, lame.  I’m sitting in a Starbucks, (which I thought about vaguely calling, a “coffee shop”, because how much better does that sound? Consumerism, man.) and it’s raining so hard. And I forgot a jacket, I’m slightly shivering, but I really have nowhere else to go.

Right now, life just seems hard. And don’t get me wrong, I know all the statistics (not really, just the ideas) about how many people are living in poverty, and “Oh man, they would love to trade places with you!” And I realize how incredibly lucky I am. But I just want one person who likes me enough to sit and listen to me type in a Starbucks so I’m not alone.

And everyone wants that. They want someone who can just sit with them. And a lot of times, when I sit and think about what I’m doing with my life right in this very moment, I get hopeful and not so very discouraged. But, when I think of how I’m feeling – not what I’m doing with my life, I get so discouraged.

I screwed up my first chance at getting into the theatre at school. I got called back, and I checked the callback list, and did not see my name. And then, this girl asks me why I missed my callback, because we have the same name, so she noticed when I was missing. And this kid I know was like, “Yeah, I saw your name too.” And I’m really wondering, is something wrong with my brain? Because, man, how the hell did I miss this? I feel so stupid.

I feel really stupid when I tell people in my department the story though. It goes,

“And yeah, I just don’t know how I missed it.”

“Like… did you check the call back list?”

“Yes.”

“And you didn’t see your name.”

“Well, no. I have no idea how that happened.” (Like really? Yeah, I saw it, but I’m sitting here telling you this story about how I failed to see it.)

And my acting teacher makes us lean on each other. And pat each other on the back and the arms and the legs. And I weirdly love it, but also am like, “I’m unsure why this is supposed to make me a better actor? Is it even supposed to make me a better actor? Or just a more touchy-feely individual?” I don’t know. I’m cool either way I guess.

And I know I’m going to get through it. And I know that the little bits of love I feel for this new life will grow into completely loving it whole-heartedly (or at least, that’s the hope), but right now. Right now, it feels lonely and hard.

“Write before you die.”

“Write what you know.”

I know that some things that are right aren’t easy. And I know some things that aren’t easy aren’t right. But I’m here.